Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column. I say we’ve waited long enough. Those among us who are passionate about the topic have followed every twist and turn of this epic drama — all the names whispered in the corridors, the not-so-secret backdoor deals leaked by insiders and the bold public statements.  Is the moment here, at last? Will we finally get the answer we’ve been looking for, whether we like it or not? It might not be the sequel that Brussels deserves, but it is the sequel it needs right now, despite long delays and accusations of ignoring factual truths … Gladiator II hit the cinemas last week. It only took director Ridley Scott a little over 20 years to release his second historical(-ish) drama set in ancient Rome, complete with gladiators riding rhinos and sharks swimming in the Coliseum. And if you — like some historians — doubt the film’s accuracy, the Oscar-nominated director has explained his logical approach to writing the script: “‘Excuse me, mate, were you there?’ No? Well, shut the f**k up then.” If Scott can so eloquently convince Hollywood to make Gladiator 2.0 happen, surely Ursula von der Leyen can get the European Parliament to approve her new class of commissioners. After yet another closed-door meeting where the leaders of the European Parliament’s political groups discussed the fate of the six executive vice president nominees (plus Hungary’s candidate), we know … roughly as much as we did before. The real journalists — as opposed to yours truly, filling in this column temporarily and undeservingly — at POLITICO Towers are hopeful that next week’s Parliament vote will be the last. Cooler heads seem to be prevailing: If that’s true, we could soon go home with a glass of mulled wine and be done with it already. If it isn’t and those cooler heads get heated, they might decide to send VDL back to the drawing board and force her to start from scratch. 26 live blogs covering each commissioner’s grilling and all. Christmas ruined for the Brussels bubble! Whether my esteemed colleagues’ hopes of a peaceful approval of commissioners on Nov. 27 by the European Parliament will be met or not, we can all agree the last six months have been quite a ride: from the European election, followed by a surprise French parliamentary election, to incumbent commissioners dropped unceremoniously and nominees with an athletic mindset ushered in. Brussels, are you not entertained? CAPTION COMPETITION “Welcome to our TED talk, today we’re gonna talk about our favorite craft beers.” Can you do better? Email us at gpoloni@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope. Last week we gave you this photo: Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze. “Snog, Marry, Avoid.” by Anonymous

It’s been a long, winding road for European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen to assemble her team of 26 commissioners since the start of her second term. In September, von der Leyen announced the group of people who would take on key appointments and portfolios for the next five years amid a complex and complicated geopolitical landscape. And she and her team hoped for a Dec. 1 start date. While her 26 nominees had faced the European Parliament for long, grueling hearings, her timeline seemed to be in trouble by the time the hearings ended on Nov. 12. The Parliament gave a green light to 19 of her commissioners but failed to agree on the final six executive vice-presidents, as well as Hungary’s Oliver Várhelyi. Infighting between political factions that have governed the European Union in relative alignment for years has reached a breaking point. The Parliament’s political families that supported von der Leyen for a second term, such as the liberal group Renew and the Socialists, have increased pressure on her European People’s Party (EPP) after she accepted a hard-right nominee from Italy, Raffaele Fitto, for executive vice president. In turn, the EPP launched a hostile campaign against the Socialists’ candidate, Teresa Ribera, as the Socialists continue to blame the EPP for using the right-wing majority in the Parliament to their advantage. In the coming days, Brussels will await with bated breath what the next twist and turn might be: Will the 26 nominees move forward untouched? Will one have to be sacrificed for a reasonable start date to the Commission? Or will political groups in the Parliament stand firm and delay the kickoff to 2025? We’ve mapped out the ifs, ands or buts, step-by-step.

As Europe’s pick for the role of top diplomatic envoy amid burning questions about U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, the Ukraine war and the Middle East, Kaja Kallas’ hearing in the European Parliament was one of the most anticipated. The former Estonian prime minister came prepared and delivered a smooth performance. Relaxed and apparently at ease in the hot seat, Kallas gave succinct but clear answers even to tricky questions, setting herself apart from other commissioner hopefuls. She even scored a few points for humor, zinging a far-right lawmaker who kept applauding whenever a tough question was directed her way. “Well, you have one fan,” she quipped after being asked one such question. After three hours, the audience came away with a sharper impression of how their next high representative might act in the job: hawkish on Russia, supportive of Ukraine, demanding of the United States as an ally — though she barely mentioned President-elect Donald Trump — and cautious on the conflict in the Middle East. As Kallas herself noted, she represents a “fresh face” for EU foreign policy after five years of Spanish socialist Josep Borrell, who drew the ire of Europe’s conservatives over his positions critical of Israel.  Here are five things to take away from her hearing. 1. HEY, AMERICA: EUROPE MATTERS AS MUCH AS CHINA It’s a point she hammered home repeatedly and one clearly aimed at the incoming US administration: Washington would be wrong to abandon Ukraine because that would embolden its other strategic adversary, China. “If the US is worried about China and other actors, they should also be worried about how we respond to Russia against Ukraine,” she said, adding that the conflict threatens the “security of the world.”  But Kallas also threw some red meat on China to incoming Trump administration officials (such as Marco Rubio for secretary of state and Mike Waltz for national security advisor), arguing that Beijing needs to “feel costs” over its support for Russia’s war against Ukraine. Kallas slammed Europe’s “significant under-investment” in defense and aired regrets about restrictions on the arms the bloc has handed Ukraine to fend off Russia’s attacks. She also clapped back at lawmakers who pushed for a peace deal. “Maybe I was not clear enough: I’m for peace,” she told MEPs, while cautioning that the 2015 Minsk agreement to end the conflict after Russia’s original invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine hadn’t achieved lasting peace. “We need to be in a position where Russia loses its last colonial war,” she said. 2. NATO WILL SERVE EUROPE’S STRATEGIC NEEDS, NOT AN EU ARMY Kallas is no fan of creating an EU army, warning that if the bloc had its own military power, it could lead to a dangerous breakdown in the chain of command in Europe. “If we have two parallel structures, the ball might fall in between those chairs and we don’t need that,” she said. That enraged some heavy-hitters: Guy Verhofstadt, a former Belgian prime minister, described her remarks as “very disappointing.”  But Kallas argued that the European Union should stay in its lane and focus on playing a purely economic role, boosting the EU’s defense industry and ramping up ammunition production.  3. A HAWK’S HAWK ON RUSSIA Kallas didn’t shy from her reputation as a hawk when it comes to Russia and Ukraine. Calling for Kyiv’s “victory” over Moscow in her opening speech, she set herself apart from policymakers who use the more slippery “as-long-as-it-takes” formula to describe their support for Ukraine.  She urged the bloc to use all of Russia’s frozen assets — some €300 billion — to rebuild Ukraine. “Russia is destroying Ukraine and should pay for this,” she said, adding that Moscow could try to make a claim for its funds in court. “But I doubt there is anything left over after the reconstruction of Ukraine,” she said. 4. TREAD CAREFULLY ON WAR IN MIDDLE EAST Kallas was more measured in response to questions on Israel’s war in Gaza. She drew attention to the prohibition on attacking civilians and civilian infrastructure in international humanitarian law across every conflict, called for “the utmost restraint of all the parties,” and said the EU has teamed up with partners like the U.S. and Gulf countries to achieve a ceasefire, a two-state solution and the release of Israeli hostages.  She rejected an accusation of double standards: “In the Middle East, we are the biggest donor of the Palestinian Authority; we are the biggest donor to helping the Palestinian people in that region and we try to continue to do so.” 5. FINISH MERCOSUR TRADE DEAL, OR CHINA WILL BENEFIT The EU should complete a major trade pact with a group of South American countries known as Mercosur, or risk China’s swooping in instead, Kallas argued. “If we don’t do a trade agreement with them, then this void will be filled really by China,” she said. Kallas noted that between 2020 and 2022 Chinese investment in Latin America increased 34-fold. The EU is racing to finalize the agreement despite French opposition, perhaps as soon as December.

Roxana Mînzatu has only been an MEP for a matter of months. Now, she has to demonstrate if she’s up to the task of commissioner. Romania nominated Mînzatu after initially putting forward a male candidate, in response to European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen’s push for gender balance. The Romanian nominee was offered one of six executive vice president roles in the Commission. While she may be a newbie MEP, she is no stranger to European affairs. She’s previously held the top job in Romania’s Ministry of European Funds, although she has also had a few stints in the private sector. One thing that has irked some socialists, however, it that this commissioner title no longer contains the words “employment” or “social rights.” That could be a sore point for the S&D Group, of which she is a member. We’ll be bringing you all the live action from 2:30 p.m. on Nov. 12. Background reading: * How the hearings work * Leaked: Tense correspondence between EU commissioner hopefuls and Parliament * Leaked documents: Which EU commissioners have the most property, money and influence * Meet the commissioners: Class of 2024 PS. If you want to follow more of the action from the hearings, our reporters will be delivering blow-by-blow updates from all 26 commissioner interviews here.

Why stop at climate? Let’s toss in economic transformation and competition as well. It’s an approach the EU has never tried before, making Teresa Ribera a fascinating test case as she glides toward becoming one of the EU’s most powerful commissioners of all time. Given her climate-heavy background, Ribera was long expected to get a post running the EU’s grand plan to hit net zero by 2050. But the EU’s top executive, Ursula von der Leyen, had bigger plans for Ribera. She wants the ex-Spanish official to both police companies that get too big and help smaller companies get bigger — all while growing new industries and cutting industrial emissions. Whether Ribera can balance all these, ahem, competing impulses (see what we did there?) is the main question looming over her hearing. We’ll bring you all the live action starting at 6:30 p.m. CET on Nov. 12.  Background reading:  * How the hearings work  * Who’s most likely to get the chop  P.S.: If you want to follow more of the action from the hearings, our reporters will be bringing you blow-by-blow updates from all 26 commissioner interviews here.

It’s the big day for Stéphane Séjourné. The former French foreign minister is set to face members of the European Parliament today as he vies to become the European Commission’s executive vice president for prosperity and industrial strategy. It’s one of the most powerful positions on Commission President Ursula von der Leyen’s new team.  Séjourné was named France’s candidate after the dramatic ouster of Thierry Breton, whose bombastic and flamboyant style wore down his welcome with von der Leyen. However, serious questions remain as to whether Séjourné has the political chops to succeed in such a high-profile role.  Competition is expected to be a key part of today’s hearing. In his written answers to questions from the European Parliament, Séjourné said that the he is committed to thoroughly assessing the Commission’s rules aimed at combating unfair trade practices amid stiff — and sometimes state-subsidized — competition from China and the United States. We’ll be bringing you all the live action from 2:30 p.m. CET on Nov. 12.  Background reading:  * How the hearings work  * Who’s most likely to get the chop  If you want to follow more action from the hearings, our reporters will be bringing you blow-by-blow updates from all 26 commissioner interviews here.

Keep your moccasins on and the espresso at the ready because things are about to get awfully Italian in Brussels. Giorgia Meloni’s man, Raffaele Fitto, hits the auditorium to defend his expertise and diplomatic credentials while being considered for an executive vice president role overseeing some €400 billion in funding for poorer regions. And things could get firey. Commission President Ursula von der Leyen has already let it be known she wants the distribution of these so-called “cohesion funds” — which apply to various sectors including transport and agriculture — to be subjected to conditionality, something that’s already upset everyone from Polish farmers to Greek laborers. There could be Italian political drama too. Fitto hails from the right-wing Brothers of Italy which vocally opposed von der Leyen’s reappointment as president, a fact that enraged the pan-European Socialists and Democrats grouping. Many worry about the party’s fascist leanings, even though Fitto himself is considered a moderate. Whether party politics or Italian patriotism prevails will be the question on the day. We’ll be bringing you all the live action from 9 a.m. CET on Nov. 12.  Background reading:  * How the hearings work  * Who’s most likely to get the chop  PS. If you want to follow more of the action from the hearings, our reporters will be bringing you blow-by-blow updates from all 26 commissioner interviews here.

If not for Russia’s full-scale assault on Ukraine, Kaja Kallas might not have emerged as one of the most prominent voices on European foreign affairs. As prime minister of Estonia, Kallas rang the alarm bells about Russian aggression, pushing the EU to supply Ukraine with ammunition and freeze Russian assets, even as some Western leaders wrung their hands over the risk of provoking the Kremlin. That track record is both one of Kallas’ biggest assets and her biggest weakness as she faces questions from members of the European Parliament. As a candidate for the EU’s foreign policy chief — officially, the high representative for foreign affairs and security policy — she will have to alleviate fears that she’s too much of a Russia hawk, at the expense of other international priorities. While she’s widely expected to pass with flying colors, she’ll also get an opportunity to do what the job sometimes requires: answer uncomfortable questions. We’ll bring you all the live action starting at 9 a.m. CET on Nov. 11. Watch the livestream here. Background reading:  * How the hearings work  * Who’s most likely to get the chop  P.S. If you want to follow more of the action from the hearings, our reporters will be bringing you blow-by-blow updates from all 26 commissioner interviews here.

European lawmakers have delayed their decision on whether to sign off Hungary’s choice for EU commissioner, Olivér Várhelyi, until Wednesday, five Parliament officials told POLITICO. Coordinators from the Parliament’s public health (ENVI) and agriculture (AGRI) committees met on Monday to decide whether to approve Várhelyi’s nomination as the next EU health and animal welfare commissioner. They agreed to delay the decision until the final commissioner hearings have finished. Várhelyi is so far the only candidate to face a second round of written questions after failing to impress lawmakers in his oral hearing last week. Committee coordinators met on Monday to discuss his answers to their follow-up questions. “We just decided to postpone the decision on the Fidesz Commissioner,” MEP Pascal Canfin, the group coordinator for the centrists Renew in the ENVI committee, wrote on X.  He told POLITICO that his group and the Socialists and Democrats (S&D) are “not happy” with the choice and have not yet decided whether they can vote for him or not. It would be “impossible,” he said, “to support a commissioner coming from Fidesz in charge of anything related to preparedness,” he said, referring to Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán’s right-wing party. While Várhelyi praised the European Medicines Agency (EMA) in his hearing last week, MEPs are still pointing to Budapest’s approach to the Covid-19 pandemic — when it was the only EU country to distribute non-EU approved vaccines from Russia and China — as a reason to reject the Hungarian candidate. They are also stalling at approving a portfolio that would include reproductive rights, Canfin said. The Greens and the Left Group have also opposed Várhelyi’s nomination so far, meaning the Hungarian lacks the numbers to get the green light. Only far-right groups and the European Conservatives and Reformists supported him after the initial hearing. One idea floated by S&D and Renew had been to approve Várhelyi in exchange for stripping competencies from his portfolio, such as reproductive rights, animal welfare and vaccines, and giving them to another commissioner. The far-right Patriots’ chief whip sees that as playing games. “It is of course unacceptable to see the groups play their games regarding the commissioner hearings,” Patriots chief whip, Danish MEP Anders Vistisen, told POLITICO.  “But it only shows the helplessness of the liberals, socialists and greens. They don’t hold any other real power in the parliament than EPP wants to grant them. The sole responsibility for the wrong direction Europe is heading now lies on the shoulders of EPP — they have a conservative parliament but refuses to use it.” Last week, a decision on Belgium’s Hadja Lahbib was also held hostage after a poor performance by Jessika Roswall. In the end, the the green light for Lahbib and Roswall was part of a deal between the EPP, the Renew group and the Socialists & Democrats. Similarly, the delay on Várhelyi means his fate can be used as a bargaining chip among the groups, who still have to sign off on the most high-profile of nominations on Tuesday, when the six executive vice presidents proposed by European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen will be quizzed by MEPs.